how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
