I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
