I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
