The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
