I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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