Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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