even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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