Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
