Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
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Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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