Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
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Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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