My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
