and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
