They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
