hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude i'm inner monologue high
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
