I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
