i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
