Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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