Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
