booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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