you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
