There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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