You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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