so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She bit a glass in half.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
