This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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