Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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