he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
