alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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