Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
