I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
