Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
