Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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