this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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