I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
