I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
being pregnant is like rehab
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
