I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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