My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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