So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ketchup is God's man juice
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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