What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
