quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
