dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
50% drunk capacity currently
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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