I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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