I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
