My liver just broke up with me...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
