I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
