I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
