Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
