she was so not down for the gang bang
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
