It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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