Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
