Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
