I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
