I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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