I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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