She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
